The end of 2007!!

Thank God this is the last few hrs of this crap year!

If i have to look at my life this past year I can say that it wasn't great but I do have high lights.

1)Gemma's first Birthday. Having so may ppl that love her here was great.

2) Changing my career. Photography has changed who i am and is busy helping me to be a happier person.

3) My 30th birthday. I cant even begin to tell you how much love i felt that week.

4) Doing my first big events for MFP.

5) Making new friends.

So I'm hoping that at the end of next year. Things will be different for the better and my list will be much longer!!

Love and well wishes for 2008!

Sticking to my guns

It always seems easier to tell someone else what to do. BUT wait till you sit with the shit and have to make those choices. Its hard. Really hard.
I'm tough but I'm not that tough
So I'm hoping that today is the beginning and not the end.
That today i become the woman I'm meant to be.
The one that is stronger than her situation.
The one that knows what it is to be loved and to love with out conditions and to have that on a daily basis not on a yearly one.
Here's hoping time doesn't run out for me.

Hope you all have a great day tomorrow.
I'm hoping for one.

Feeling the spirit??

Well I've been. The 'kak on me for shit' spirit has really come hard my way.

The beauty of most of the "kak" is that its totally ass about face!!!

But my new motto is "fuck off", well that's not really new is it!? hee hee

Really, I'm just going to ignore the things that don't impact me from now on.

Restrict the ppl that I allow into my space and heart and therefore I wont get shat on so often!

Or what do u think?

My Husband, who has been is kak on here a lot, took me away to a little b&b in Hermanus the weekend. We only stayed for 1 night but it was SSSSSOOOOOOOOO needed! He scored some really needed points here :) Things aren't right but that's ok, we're working on it!

Some great news is that we finally decided on Godparents for Gemma. Carol and Josh!

I asked them on Saturday before they left. It was a very emotional thing for me. I expected them to think about it, I know I would have. But neither of them thought and just said YES!

Insane I tell you. I had such a cry when i got into the car!!!

Cindy is also just pregnant! She told me today. I would love all of you that read this to please keep them in your prays. Its not the easiest thing for her body to do and every positive thought helps.

My photography course is also going well. We went to the noon gun and tried to get the gun firing!

Its not that easy!!!

That fucking thing is so loud i almost lost my nerve! I shouted and got such a shacky shoot it wasn't a joke!!! At least we all had a laugh!!

We just came back from an afternoon of fun for our girls at Bonnie's house. She asked a few of us around and we all had a jol! The girls got to open a pressie or two as well and the mom's a glass or 65676 of bubbles!!

I'm looking forward to the next week. I'm not letting anything take away the most important part of Christmas that many forget, the Birth of Jesus and that no amount of presents can top.

I would like you all to at least for 1min on that day, be thankful for Him and for those that He has allowed into your life! The GOOD, The BAD and the UGLY! :)

Warm heartfelt wishes go out to you all, even the UGLY!

Love

Delmaine

This morning

This morning i asked Leon to read last nights entry.
I thought i should remove it as not to make waves. As he was one of the people that i clearly directed my entry at, i wanted an honest answer. He said "leave it. If that's how u felt then that's how u felt!" He added, if that this is my diary and if u don't want to read it, DON'T.

Some days i love that man. Others.... well lets just say, NOT so much!

HOE HOE HOE! BITCH!

(if your extra touchy and think i write about u don't read this post OK!)

So people are complex creatures. This isn't something new to me. I just thought that I've mastered and balance most of my relationships. Seems for the most part i have but for a few select that can not accept me for who i am.
I'm i good friend 99% of the time. I'm human after all. Or AM I??!!

I've been accused of many things this last few weeks. Bad wife, bad family member bad friend.
So I've spoke about my wrong doings with a close friend or 2 and sorry for u lot but I'm far from that bad person you are trying to blame. I've got a good heart which you all take advantage off. YES you all do. But Friends and family do that to each other. And for love they over look things. Don't we all need our faults to be over looked??
Do u really think your that perfect that you can stand in you're glass house and throw stones?
My love its not stones your throwing. ITS BOULDERS!! If u attack me should i not attack back?
Well guess what? I'm not. I'm not going to sink to that. Not going to fall lower than i am. And I'm pretty low at the moment. I've gone back to a shrink there are lots u guys don't know. She's a nice woman who doesnt always agree with me. Which is great. I need to be guided. How much higher do i need to set my boundaries? Things like that. So I have a few better days lately. I'm grateful for that.

I did my first lesson with a photographer last week, He is a honey i tell u, has so much to offer and not scared to share his knowledge at all. Which is awesome. Don is 70. So u have to understand his been behind a camera for 40plus years!!! Going tomorrow again. Cant wait.

Did my first house photos on Monday. that wasn't easy hey. pretty difficult really. It wasn't finished at all. So had to try with angles and stuff. I can see I'll need to try better ones for them again.

Gemma is now building up to 12pc puzzles. She's so clever. Her speech is coming along nicely too. She's allot more vocal and when she does say a word its perfect not baby type thing. Which is awesome too. Going to have her home for a month. GOING to BE FUN! hee hee. I think I'll be grey by then!!

Leon's booked us in some stunning place on the weekend for a night. Gemma's going to my folks while we try and reconnect.
Looking forward to that.

Carol is down in ct, and we've been lucky to catch up a few times. but this week i haven't been able to see her once!! I hope i get to say good bye!! SHIT chick I'm going to miss u again!
I wish there was a way u could take a pill and wake up in another country!!

Have so much work to do still. Hope that the next few days fly by and i get to relax with my family and friends.

Being Judgemental??

So I've been quiet again. TRUE.
But sometimes in life you cant always put the truth out there. If u do, it has a terrible way of biting you in the bum. So things have been kak in general, to the point that I'm back at a shrink.
I needed it for me. So that's hard. Putting yourself under a microscope isn't easy. Often u don't like what you find. Things that are easy to hide under false smiles, need to be faced.
OH JOY!!
My photography is a major thing that keeps me above depression. Really.
When I'm behind the camera I'm me. The real me. Its so freeing!!

Now my title is 2 fold. My life is constantly being judged.
And i agreed to one ALMIGHTY to judge me. But where do the other little 'mighties' think they get off?
Who the fuck do u think you are? I refrain from judging you. Its not easy. NOT BUT A LONG SHOT!
Parenting doesn't come with a hand book you know. Each child has its own "handbook" and I'm so over ppl giving their CRAP two cents with out knowing the full story. REFRAIN REFRAIN!!!
I have in the last few weeks, seen parents who put their kids, WHO THEY LOVE, in danger.
I had a client on Monday, so I had to watch my words, who had her little boy on her lap in the front seat of their car!!!!!
I FELT LIKE DRIVING OFF!! How dare u as a parent. DO THAT! Are u insane?
In the traffic to a wedding I saw a woman with her kid on her lap behind the wheel!!
ARE U MENTAL? (I HAD TO REFRAIN!!)

So u can see I'm angry. There is so much i cant tell you. so don't take any of this personally.

I'm going to see a man about a camera this morning :)
Well its more of how to use my camera really. Just hope its not a waste of time!!

Thanks to all my girlfriends, who have had to put up with me the last few weeks. YOU KNOW THE KAK has just started hey!!!
love u guys though!!

Have a wedding this weekend again. I'm so over these freebies really. I have to start making money at some stage :)